feeling dodgy.

i should be stoked. i got a house back in melbourne.

but instead im so run down i can barely move. im most likely going to have to cancel my trip to the states to cover the rent & bond.

Good Charlotte - Where Would We Be Now Lyrics

I smile , you laugh, I look away
I sigh, you ask me why, I say,
Its ok and I am just feeling down
Your hand on mine I hear the words...
If only love had found us first, our lives would be different

So I stand and wait
I am just a man

Where would we be now baby, if we found each other first
Where would we be now baby,

And now I must confess
That I am a sinking ship
I'm anchored by the weight of my heart cause its filled with these feelings
I keep my true thought locked beside my hearts black box
It wont be found, it wont be found, through the smoke or the wreckage
So I crash and burn
I got a lot of things to learn

Where would we be now baby, if we found each other first
What would you do now darling, if I said these simple words
I'll wait, I'll wait...As long as you want.

Where would we be now baby

I'll wait
I'll wait

Where would we be now baby, if we found each other first
What would you do now darling, if I said these simple words
I'll wait, I'll wait...As long as you want.

Where would we be now baby
I'll wait
I'll wait

the circus...

the circus came to town this week. i wanted to take the kids, but then decided to boycott it based ont he fact that i thought it was a rip off.

keep in mind when i was a kid circuses had lions and elephants and loads of animals....not to mention i got VIP ringside seats and got to go hang out with the performers and animals afterwards (by some connection im not quite sure of we are related to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Circus_Joseph_Ashton ) it was pretty cool. But the last time i went was when i was 16 i took a different group of people every night and took them all to meet the performers and Phyllis who was the matriach. Phyllis has since passed away and the circus as it was shut down. Like many circuses these days they lost alot of their animals thanks to animal rights activists.....dont get me wrong im all for animal rights. but these animals were born and bred into the circus. they were loved like family pets. but anyway thats another rant entirely.

anyway when i found out they had lions and elephants we decided to take the kids along. we told them we were going into town for a surprise and got off the bus right opposite the circus...the kids were beside themselves but we feigned ignorance saying we didnt know it was there and instead crossed the road to go to chinese. after dinner (which was so awsome both chels and maddy rocked at using chopsticks) we said we would go over and let them see the elephants. we also said seeing as how we werent going to teh circus they could have a ride on the teacups, the giant slide and the clowns. after all of that ryan told them the reason we couldnt afford tickets to the circus was because we had already bought them. when he bought them out they just went crazy and were hugging us and saying what tricksters we were. it was so cute.

then as we go to go in we are told they have two 8 month cubs (bred from generations of circus lions) and we could have our photo taken with them. well we did. the kids were beside themselves to get to pet and sit next to an 8 month lion cub.

we all had a greta night even though the kids were soooooooooooooo buggered by the end of it. audrey wouldnt sit down during the final act and maddy went to sleep. in the cab ride home just a few minutes in 3 were absolutely fast asleep.

it was a fantastic night out with the kids (even though i am still cringing at the $300+ i spent once you take into account cabs and dinner).

in a few years there will be no circuses left with animals and hopefully they will remember it forever.

jess

teary...

i have been feeling on the verge of tears most of the last two days. for starters i think im comming down with the flu. not to mention doing back to back sessions all week and then on top of that not being able to sleep properly and ACOCP work piling up as well as the sheer volume of sessions i need to proof....i think im completely and utterly exhuasted.

i really feel the need to be able to just sit down and have a huge cry. when i get home i am so going to sit in my jammies for 2 days, watch the office and friends and eat ALOT!!!

im in desperate need of a holiday.

and todays song lyrics are from a song i listed to sooooooo much after the shit hit the fan with last years disaster and the biggest mistake i ever made.

Jess.

"Nothing At All" Kasey Chambers

One was the light in a candle
Two was the colour of the rain
Three was a fall in deeper
Four was a cry and shame
Five was a shiver in the winter
Six was a losing card
Seven was the hope I would never fall too hard

One was a breath under water
Two was a crash and burn
Three was a ghost of the lover
Four was a lot to learn
Five was the livin' in a cradle
Six was a mercy cry
Seven was the hope you would never say goodbye

You win
I lose
You leave with nothin' to prove
You rise, I fall
I leave with nothing
Nothing at all

One was a faith in a sorrow
Two was a waste of a dream
Three was a life in a bottle
Four was the last to believe
Five was a break in the weather
Six was back to the start
Seven was the hope it would never go this far

You win
I lose
You leave with nothin' to prove
You rise, I fall
I leave with nothing
Nothing at all

I was your waste time
You were my angel wing
I was your falling star
You were my everything

You win
I lose
You leave with nothin' to prove
You rise, I fall
I leave with nothing
Nothing at all

You win
I lose
You leave with nothin' to prove
You rise, I fall
I leave with nothing
Nothing at all

Nothing at all, Nothing at all
Nothing at all, Nothing at all

as usual.....

its after 1am and i cant sleep. i was listening to music and lily allens "smile" came on (yes i guess i am vindictive by nature) and i realised i had never seen the film clip so jumped on youtube. i felt totally transported back to the chaos of last year. how i was just left feeling totally alone. i hope it all came back to him tenfold, but i highly doubt it. instead i can just enjoy the song LOL.

i was talking to someone the other day about what i want in a partner and really the only criteria (apart fromt he fact that they get alone with my girls) was that they had a job and could support themselves....i know terribly high expectations....well while listening to music on the way to a session this morning i realised i have something to add to that. i want someone who feels this way about me...

“Alive With The Glory of Love” Say Anything
When I watch you, wanna do you, right where you're standing…yeah.
Right on the foyer, on this dark day, right in plain view…oh, yeah….
Of the whole ghetto, the boot-stomped meadows, but we ignore that, yeah.
You're lovely baby, this war is crazy, I won't let you down…oh, no no….

No, I won't let them take you, won't let them take you…Hell, no no…
Oh, no…I won't let them take you, won't let them take you…Hell, no no…
No, oh no, no, no….

And when our city vast and shitty falls to the Axis, yeah…
They'll search the buildings, collect gold fillings, wallets, and rings…oh, yeah.
But Miss Black Eyeliner, you'd look finer with each day in hiding, oh yeah…
Beneath the wormwood, ooooo, love me so good…
They won't hear us screw away the day.
I'll make you say:

“Alive! Alive! Alive with love, alive with love tonight…”
“Alive! Alive! Alive with love, alive with love tonight…”

(No, I won't let them take you, won't let them take you…Hell, no no…
Whoa, no…I won't let them take you, won't let them take you…Hell, no no…)

Our Treblinka is alive with the glory of love….
Treblinka, alive with the glory of love! Yeah!

(Ok, speed it up….Go!)

Should they catch us and dispatch us to those separate WORK camps.
I'll dream about you, I will not doubt you with the passing of time….Oh, yeah.
Should they kill me, your love will fill me as warm as the bullets, yeah.
I'll know my purpose: this war was worth this. I won't let you down…

No, I won’t….
No, I won’t….
No, I won’t….

(Alive! Alive! Alive with love, alive with love tonight…)
Hell no, no…Whoa, no, I won't let them take you, won't let them take you….Hell, no, no.
No! No!


even better a guy who can sing it

Jess (who should really try sleeping one of these days)

lifes good...

some days are just yummy.

started off waking up and checking emails in bed, then almost all of our melbourne acocp photographers came over for the day to have our meeting about what we are doing, and what we can do to make things work better down here. I already loved all our photographers - but im going to say it again - we have some of the most wonderful people in our organisation.

The this afternoon i had a fantastic session (well sort of two smooshed into one). Just over a year ago i stopped to talk to a lady about the wonderful coats her daughters had on. It ended with us talking about the ACOCP and her daughters cancer. I didnt hear from her again til about 3 weeks ago when she emailed me to book a session - and tell me hte good news that Bonnie was in remmision. Then her sister and her sisters kidlets came along for the day too. It ended up being the most fun session i have had and the family were just wonderful!!!! just one of those feel good days.

the the office....man the jim episodes have been so painfully awkward lately...though i am loving them. the office was always suppose to be painfully awkward. poor jim.

ok im off to do some more work because it never ends :)

Jess.

crazy busy...

today started off with a last minute maternity shoot in the morning and wow - it is always so nice to hear positive feedback about your work. she apparently looked at numerous sites and was just GUSHING about how noone stood out as much as me. She was just lovely and i look forward to photographing her surprise baby at the end of the year/start of the new year.

Thne onto a meeting with a supplier which also went fantastically.

then i headed into the city and just hung out in borders, had some lunch and then headed down to brighton beach where i just read a magazine until this arvos shoot. A repeat client. First saw little man at 9 weeks old and then family were obviously besotted with him - almost a year later and he has grown...but still looks the same. Mum and dad are such cool people who just throughly enjoy their son and dont take life too seriously which makes for such a great session. they just had so much fun and didnt care if they looked silly which again is just fantastic. Then to hear again how much they love my work and how they love how laid back sessions are. seriously made my day.

then home to race around like a chook with my head cut off for tonights ACOCP meeting which starts in 5 minutes. Tommorow i have another victorian state acocp meeting and then 2 families in the afternoon. its just crazy!!! then 2 on saturday and one on sunday before i head home.

WGA - good luck in your strike. however i am devestated that the office might go off air :( good luck to you all. i support what your doing 110% (even if im sad for me) hope it is resolved positively soon.

thats it for now i think....except to say the spice girls should never have been allowed to reform. but i think most people agree with me there.

Jess.

melbourne cup...

ok so i suck at self portraits...we all know that. But here is me in my hat. I had one of the best days ever, apart from getting sunburned. James, as i suspected, was a hoot to have along. neither of us drank at all and most of the day we spent in the shade holding our own in depth fashion comentary - highlights include which decade did that table cloth material come from and why on earth would anyone want to wear a tuplip skirt LMAO.

we only watched two races from trackside as we both burn easily and both forgot sunscreen. so instead we parked ourselves in the shade in front of a big screen. James was teh first to bring home any money winning $3.80 on a $1 each way bet and his race #3 horse came in 3rd. after that we had no luck at all.

We placed our bets for the last two races and headed down to stake out some territory trackside. race 6 we got nothing. Then we had an hour to wait til the cup so we just sat down, snacked some more and chatted until we were starting to be trod on by people trying to get close. I had placed bets for mum and ryan - mum wanted lucky #8, ryan wanted dolphin jo and $1 to win on the horse with the highest odds LOL. i backed purple moon (number 12) - before we knew it they were off. as its a fairly long race the horses come past twice and by the second time my horse was in first place...it was so exciting!!! unfortunately it was beaten at the last second by about 4 inches LOL. after that we left to avoid the crowds and i was back by 4:30.

so without further ado - #31 is being crossed off my list :)

and thanks a million to Jonnie from the burried life crew for commenting - it meant alot :) you guys rock.

Jessie.

exhausted....

the not sleeping is really starting to catch up with me, im so exhausted and yet i still cant seem to sleep. arrrgggg.

anyway no song to relate to my feelings today.

so a fave that is on my mp3 player and i need to add teh dvd's to my wish list....


Fraggle Rock Theme Song
Dance your cares away,
Worry's for another day.
Let the music play,
Down at Fraggle Rock.

Work you cares away,
Dancing's for another day.
Let the Fraggles play,
We're Gobo, Mokey, Wembley, Boober, Red.

Dance your cares away,
Worry's for another day.
Let the music play,
Down at Fraggle Rock.
Down at Fraggle Rock.
Down at Fraggle Rock.

the list...

almost 2 years ago now i decided instead of a new years resoloution i would make a list of things i want to do before i die. before i knew it i had almost 50 things. I then discovered The Buried Life Crew and was completely inspired. i am now getting close to the 100 tihngs....but even better, Im slowly getting through some of them.

so without further a do....my list (which does include some uconventional things)

1. Sing karaoke
2. Be in a mosh pit
3. stand on the great wall of china
4. trek through nepal
5. see the dali lama in india
6. see a broadway play in NYC
7. skinny dip
8. learn how to play guitar (well i have bought the gutiar - now i just need to find time to learn)
9. publish a photography book
10. memorise a poem and pass it on to my children
11. go snorkelling on the great barrier reef
12. see the great pyramids and the spinx
13. learn tango/salsa dance/ballroom dancing
14. learn to play golf
15. climb the eifel tower
16. see the statue of david in person
17. learn some sign language
18. learn how to ride a motor bike
19. ride a motor bike around the ilse of man (the same course my grandfather raced and died on)
20. see the whitlams live
21. complete a uni degree
22. take some kickboxing lessons
23. get drunk in tiujuana on tequilla
24. get a tattoo (done....i now have 2)
25. join the mile high club
26. see the ruins of pompei & the coleseum
27. Swim with sharks
28. skydive
29. learn to pole dancing.
30. hold a snake
31. go to melbourne cup. (this will be crossed off in just 2 days yay)
32. conquer my fear of public speaking
33. Run with the bulls
34. learn a second language
35. run 5kms
36. complete a triathlon
37. get my licence (halfway...i finally got my learners permit)
38. try absinthe
39. learn to shoot a gun
40. do chairty work overseas
41. participate in a production of the vagina monolgues
42. visit my grandfathers grave on the isle of man
43. just once, when a homeless person asks for money for food - give it to them this was and interesting experiment to see more read below.
44. write a childrens book - even if just for my own children
45. do an open water dive
46. to find 100 things to put on this list
47. collect 1000 teddy bears for the childrens hospital
48. write and direct and film a documentary - publish on you-tube or blogger
49. take a stranger to dinner
50. learn how to surf
51. live in NYC for at least 3 months
52. see an off broadway play
53. commision a self portrait
54. send a message in a bottle....complete with my contact details
55. go on a blind date
56. go on a cross country road trip sydney - perth
57. make a wikipedia entry for my grandfather (Thomas Phillis )
58. update my grandmothers imdb profile ( Jan Adele )
59. learn how to change the oil in a car
60. learn how to change a tire
61. hold an exhibition of my photos
62. do a book crossing
63. host a radio program
64. attend a masquerade ball
65. get my bronze medallion
66. Get a head to toe make over – new wardrobe, hair cut & colour and make up ect.
67. teach a class (maybe photography at community centre)
68. perform at/in a beurlesque show
69. read war & peace
70. design a dress, have it made and wear it out.
71. have a white Christmas
72. attend a hollywood premier
73. go white water rafting
74. learn to ski/snowboard
75. learn fencing
76. have ben folds write/perfom a song about me
77. Do a great white shark cage dive
78. learn some figure skating/ice dancing
79. do the harbour bridge climb
80. learn to play some piano
81. learn another language
82. Sydney tower – sky tower walk
83.

to the jerk who stole my cab....if your reading this....bite me!!!

now ive got that out of my system.....

im safe and sound in melbourne. cant believe i forgot it was a race day (and of course it was raining) so by the time i got in there was almost zero chance of getting a cab. not only that but the cab companies numbers were engaged they were that busy. so there is just me and this guy at the rank...i was there first and he acknowledged that. i had been waiting almost 20 mins when a cab was seen dropping someone else off across the road - he was about to head over when the jerk ran across the road and jumped in. I of course had a suitcase, handbag & laptop bag and he was gone before i could shout obscenities his way. just as my lovely friend was going to come get me a cab showed up....who of course "didnt know" how to get there and drove all the way along one road just to turn up another and come all the way back....to my rip off taxi driver and the jerk who stole my cab just remember karma is a bitch.

the flight was good though. nice to get in after just 2 hours (i normally go on the bus and its about 24 hours) without being terribly smelly. love the staff at virgin blue - really great - always smiling. polite. funny. though we did have alot of turbulance and as such the seatbelt sign was on for the first 45 mins of the flight. some old lady didnt care about this and got up and started roaming the cabin. the staff (who were also being told to remain seated and belted) kept trying to reason with her and eventually came over the loudspeaker to tell her to get her butt back to her seat. she kept rambling about how poorly they treated the elderly LOL.

i had forgotten what turbulance was like. I traveled alot by plane when i was younger and flying has never scared me. even now the turbulance didnt bother me (just made it harder to read my book).

then of course on the city train i was surrounded by drunken race go-ers....i couldnt belive it when 60 odd people in my train carriage started singing LOL. quite ammusing.

as i have travelled alot during my year there was always a strange feeling i would get as i was comming into my home town (which was always sydney....even now 15 years after living there - i still feel like im comming home) - i felt it today when i touched down in melbourne. it made me realise how much i have missed it. we only lived there 3.5 years but it is my new home. i love the people here (the above people are the exception to the rule). i love the old buildings. the character. i am going to have to try to get out and take some photos of this city while im here....not sure where exactly i would fie the time, but i will see what i can do.

i have also been reflecting alot lately. its been just over a year since my world was turned upside down and i made the single bigest mistake of my life. I was listening to a song today and some lyrics stood out. I guess the mistake made me realise i was a grown up too. that my actions have real consquences. that one thing can turn everyones lives upside down.

" When you're young you have this image of your life:
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake completely lost."

this year has also been a big journey of self discovery. i have learned alot about myself. this is the only time in my life i have ever wished i could turn back the clock. in the past i have tried to think positive...everything i have been through and ddone have made me the person i am today. but i still want to deny that i am that person. but maybe i am? how many collosal mistakes are people allowed before they are considered a bad person? 1? 2? 3? none?

and can a person be judged based on one single action? or can you add brownie points for being a good person in other ways? who knows. i need to take some more of my uni classes (bachelor of arts in philosophy) maybe that would help me answer the unanswerable.

Jess.


Missy Higgins - The Special Two

I've hardly been outside my room in days,
'cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
And it was then I realize the conscience never fades.
When you're young you have this image of your life:
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake completely lost.
But I will fight for you, be sure that
I will fight until we're the special two once again.

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'll bleed together,
These arms will not be taught to need another,
'Cause we were the special two.

I remember someone old once said to me:
"That lies will lock you up with truth the only key."
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
And couldn't see this place would soon become my hell.
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,
But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not let you down
'cause we were the special two, and we'll be again.

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
And we can only see each other we'll breathe together,
These arms will not be taught to need another...
'cause we're the special two.

I step outside my mind's eye's for a minute.
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease,
Or something that could ease the pain.
But nothing cures the hurt you, you bring on by yourself,
Just remembering, just remembering how we were...

When we would only need each other, we'd bleed together,
Our hands would not be taught to hold another's,
We were the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'd bleed together,
These arms would not be taught to need another,
'Cause we're the special two.

off to melbourne

im all packed and ready to go - just waiting on my hair dresser to come and fix my wild hair....i cant believe how crazy it gets some days. I spent most of the day in my jammies and when i wewnt to have a shower after lunch i was horrified to see how i had been walking around all day LOL. I cant believe no one mentioned it. usually josh screams like he is in a horror movie when my hair is like this. i think they were all secretly hoping i would go to melbourne like this and not notice LOL.

worked with ryan all last night on my new site for wedding photography. he is so good at this stuff, i wish he had the motivation and drive to do it for others. but at least he still likes to do my sites (i think mainly because i give him a fair bit of creative licence). you can find it at www.j-weddings.net it isnt finished yet, i still want to take some new self portraits (ick - hate being on that side of the camera) and of course we need to make it so it looks good at all screen res' and different browsers. at the moment its best viewed in firefox at 1024x768 - very happy with it. i want him to revamp my portrait site too (daisyhillphotography.net - current one also by ryan).

we just got finished when miss maddy came out (at 1am) - covered in puke. she wasnt a happy camper. so showered her, cleaned up the mess and put her back to bed. poor thing.

at the moment the 4 girls and I share a room. sounds crazy - but there are two bunks - maddy in one top, chels on the other top, the twins in a bed together (the generally clcimb into bed together anyway) and me in the other. when i go to bed late at night the girls often wake up and while i hate disrupting their sleep i love interacting with them late at night when its just us. the other night i took a photo of each of them at about 2am when i went to bed. taken at 1600iso they are far from technically perfect but i love them all!!!

from oldest to youngest...

chelsea

madeline

audrey



harriet

how did i get so lucky? to get to hang out with the 4 coolest kids in the world everyday of my life?

ok so hair dresser is almost here and i need to pack up my laptop. thank goodness tuesdays house has wireless net so not only do i get to hang out with my good photog buddy and her cute boys all week, i can stay connected AND get to play with her brand new 40d - this is the camera im thinking of getting when i finally retire my old girl at the end of this year. the 10d has served me beautifully for almost 2 years. alot of my fellow photogs are shocked when they find out i shoot with her and not a 5d like everyone seems to have. while your equipment needs to be good, just goes to show its not what camera you use, but how you use it.

signing off for now.

Jess.

Motion City Soundtrack - My Favourite Accident
I got the message long before you said you knew
There was no chance of us at all
With no velocity and empty-headed hard and far-too-long
I spent two years alone with you
Just when I thought I had forgotten
You came back soft without a sound

You said we were an accident
With accidents you’ll never know what could have been
So we were an accident
You’ll always be my favorite one

You hit the road and left me an ocean
I can't swim in the silence of your skin-skin please let me in
Side the times we never had right
Inside two years alone with you

You said we were an accident
With accidents you’ll never know what could have been
So we were an accident
You’ll always be my favorite one

We could have been (We could have been again)
Instead of accidental running always running (why can’t you believe)
We could have been (We could have been again)

Long winded promises of future company
Up close the sound remains the same
Without the reign of terror over every momentary change
We are exactly as before

You hit the road and left me an ocean
I can't swim in the silence of your skin-skin please let me in
Side the time I had to forget you
Inside no chance of us at all

woooooooooooohooooooooooooooooo

a big thank you to my good friend james who has agreed to be my escort for the Melbourne Cup. After years of planning to go to the cup I will finally be there in person on tuesday. Of course i still have my dress from last year (bought it the same day ant sms'ed me that it was over - nice) so today i went and bought a hat!!!

got to find just the right pair of shoes but that should be easy.

so yay.

Jess.

work work work

i guess im luckier than alot of people - i love my job. I love hanging out with kids and meeting all sorts of different families. My work with the acocp is even more rewarding - some of the families I meet are more resiliant and loving and positive than I could ever be.

It is comming up to two years since i saw Siobhans post on her idea to start an australian branch of the ACPCG. I snet her and email and just started bugging her for ways i could help. a year later and a hell of a lot of red tape, blood, sweat and tears the ACOCP officially launched ths may with around 15 photographers. ts hard to believe that its been 6 months. One of my good friends Lee got our very first call out in newcastle got the sad news this week that the little boy she worked with past away. My first call out was on mothers day. The family didnt want to bother me on mothers day but their little girls started chemo the very next day and was likely to loose all her beautiful hair. I was so nervous but the family was just incredible. They were actually good friends of my very first clients - all 3 of us parents of twins - and had been meaning to hire me for ages, but it was never a good time. It was hard for me. I came home and hugged my girls so tight. But i just kept thinking how hard it must be for them to go home on mothers day while their little girl has to stay in hospital. My next call our was even more confronting...with premmie stillborn twins (it seems i have a thing for attractng twins).

For this part im going to jump back a few years. after having our 2nd daughter we knew we wanted more children. when maddy was just a few weeks old we fell pregnant. t was a shock (a HUGE shock) but we were happy. unfortunately at 12 weeks pregnant we lost the baby. it was pretty devestating to say the least. but it was just the start. due to complication was told i might not be able to have anymore children naturally so 2 years later when we found out I was expecting I was over the moon. at 18 weeks we were told we were expecting not one, but two litte girls. apart from beng terrified we were naturally thrilled to be adding to our family. At 25 weeks everything changed. while i had been getting contractions my entire pregnancy things changed and i was rushed to hosptal in suspected prem labour. I lay in the hospital bed as people rushed around. an air ambulance was booked for me as our small town hospital didnt have any NICU facilities and could only handle 32 weeks +. We were told it would just be me in the plane and ryan would have to make his own way to sydney. we were told they would be delivered the next day by cesarian. i didnt know what to think. i thought alot about ryans little brother Joshua - who was born at 25 weeks and lived just an hour. I wondered how i would cope haveing to go home without my babies. if they had to be in hospital long term in sydney where would we stay? how would we afford living in sydney and keeping our house in coffs? what about our other two girls. about midday a nurse came into speak to me and i begged her to tell me what was going on and what the reality was. she told me to prepare for the worst. their lungs were not mature enough, they were so little - even if they did make it it would be a struggle for the rest of their lives. it was then i knew i had to make a decsion to get totally freaked out and know the stress would push my labour along or to essentally let go and let god....im not religous at all - but i begged, prayed, anything and everything that day. at about 9pm the air ambulance touched down and everything stopped. i stayed in hospital for a week before being allowed to go home on strict bedrest. at this stage evey day they stayed put was a better chance. our first goal was 28 weeks - when they stood a good chance of survival. then 30 - then 32 (knowing then we wouldnt have to fly out to have them). 35 weeks rolled around and my doctor allowed me to come off all the medicatons - he said "guess well see you and L&D tonight" - 2 weeks later i was induced as they wouldnt come LOL. at 7:47 on December the 8th Audrey Jean was welcomed into the world at a very healthy and happy 7lb4oz followed just 10 minutes later (7:57) by Harriet Elsie who weighed in at 7lb 2.5oz. 7 days later we went home. we were the lucky ones.

multiple births are high risk. anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves. Twins may be standard issue these day with so many turning to fertility drugs to conceive, but dont for a second think it will be an easy ride. I was young, healthy, fit, non smoker and i stll almost lost them. so my heart went out to the family of the twins I was called to photograph. The sesson itself was fine. I just did my work. when i got home however i slept for 7 hours straight. dont think i have ever felt so emotionally drained. then i still had to edit the images.

it can be an extremely confronting and emotonal experience. But at the end of the day we get to go home to our beautiful healthy children.

Today was a big work day for me wthin the charity. I do mostly admin stuff these days - and there is alot of it. We have recently forged a relationship with a childrens hospice and we got a call out today. A bubba - just a few months old - who is not expected to live long. The mum had been wanting photographs of her beautiful babe for awhile, but feared how a photographer would react to a child that had oxygen and feeding tubes. Tears welled up while typing that. I cant imagine ever telling a parent - im sorry those tubes freak me out so you cant have photos of your precious child. I really need to make a note on my website that I am available for work with any special needs children. I am just so upset by that. we need to spread the word more about our work and I know our work wth this centre will help that.

I have also bee trying to gain some corperate sponsorship - but apparently we are not big enough to justify most companies having any interest in us. We may have made a break through wth a major lab who may cover either all or some of the cost of prints. At the moment all (and i mean all) admin expenses come out of the pockets of myself and siobhan. Photographers cover the cost of prints from their sessions. If this lab can help out with that it means we can take some of the fnanical burden off our photographers which wll allow them to not worry so much about how many sessions they can afford to do and open up our services to more families in need.

we now have 45 photographers australia wide in every state (bar tasmania). We attend approximately 3-4 sessions a week with our brisbane photogs contstantly busy and we are stll virtually unknown!!!! I cant believe how far we have come already from that one line on her website. i get asked alot by people how i manage to find the time. I guess we all have to make a decision in our lives what is important to us. For me I believe the only way to change the world is one persona t a time. if everyone just did what they could the world would be a better place. anyway enough of that sap now.

onto random life stuff....so tonight i go down tot he girls room to look for something and there are my twinnies....sprawled out on the bed....minus pants and underwear LMAO. did a double take. man those kids crack me up. ther eldest sister was still awake and just about wet herself when she saw.

Our eldest daughter is currently partially deaf. it results in more yelling that ths house currently needs and alot of "pardon?" from her.

miss maddy lost her 3rd tooth last nght while showing down on halloween lollies LOL and was sooooooooooooooooooo excted when the tooth fairy left her a dollar.

i took some photos the other night but as im am still knee deep in proofing for clients they will have to wait for another time.

Jess

Pete Murray - Opportunity

And so it goes another lonely day
Your savin time but your miles away
Your fly was drownin in some bitter tea
For seeing lost opportunity

Find your mirror go and look inside
And see the talent you always hide
Don't go kidd yourself well not today
Satisfaction's not to far away

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see

Your coffee's warm but your milk is sour
Life is short but your here to flower
Dream yourself along another day
Never miss opportunity

Don't be scared of what you cannot see
Your only fear is possibility
Never wonder what the hell went wrong
Your second chance may never come along

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see